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Hang in there |
Today is International Disturbed People's Day.
Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend... just as I've done.
I don't care if you lick windows, see dead people,
or occasionally pee yourself...
You hang in there sunshine,
you're Bloody special.
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Posted on 29/12/2007 at 11:42 am AEST |
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Mate Of Mine Missus Leaves Him |
Heres an interesting story from a bloke down the hill from me. His missus was buggaring off from him.
He walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Christchurch. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do here for you for free."
Later that day, on her way out to catch the plane, the wife walks into
the bedroom and sees me mate packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm
coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".
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Posted on 1/10/2006 at 6:43 am AEST |
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The Truth About BLOODY SWEENEY |
The Truth About Bloody Sweeney
A loy of people quite incorrectly think Sweeney is a Good Bastard. Im here to tell ya that this is incorrect and put the record straight.
As a poor bastard that has to tidy up after his trail of destruction I keep a log on what has been going on. Have a read and figure it out for yourself.
This is just from the local corner Dairy shop.
1. January 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. February 2: Set all the alarm clocks in the House wares isle to go off
at 5-minute intervals.
3. February 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
rest rooms.
4. February 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... And watched what happened.
(Whatever the bloody hell a Code 3 is)
5. March 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M&M's on lay away.
6. April 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. April 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
Bedding department.
8. April 23: When an assistant asks if they can help him, he begins
To cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'?
9. May 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.
10. May 10: While handling guns in the sports department,
asked the attendant if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. June 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. June 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna
Look" using different size funnels.
13. June 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. June 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"
And; last, but not least!)
15. June 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a
while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!" |
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Posted on 5/09/2006 at 8:23 am AEST |
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Dry Cleaning Bill |
This happened when Bloody Leo was a younger man, single in fact, living at home. He and Paddy were in a bar getting slightly and nicely. Suddenly Bloody Leo throws up all over himself. He says, "Oh no. Mum will bloody kill me. I've spewed all over the good jumper with the reindeer and the squirrels that she just knitted for me"
Paddy says, "Don’t worry, I did the same thing just the other day. Just tuck a $20 note in your top pocket and tell her that someone threw up on you and gave you $20 for the dry cleaning bill. She washes it, keeps the twenty and you are home free." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even more pissed.
Eventually they stagger off in their different directions and on arrival home, Bloody Leos mum starts to give him a hard time, "You stink of booze and you've puked all over yourself, my god you’re disgusting." Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man got sick on me – he'd obviously had one too many or else he couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me $20 for the cleaning bill. If you don't believe me, look in my top pocket."
She looks in his top pocket and says, "But there’s $40 here."
He says, "Ah, yes but he shit in me trousers too." |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 4:12 pm AEST |
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Are you ready yet? |
Bloody Leo was pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Katie, are you ready yet?"
Shouting back, Katie replies, "For crying out loud, ya useless bastard, I've been telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!" |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 4:09 pm AEST |
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The Raffle |
Bloody Leo finished up at the nurse’s ball after the pub shut. He staggered in and was confronted by a stern woman selling raffle tickets.
Bloody Leo: Well what is the bastard for anyway?
Stern woman: One of cleaners died last week and left a wife and six kids.
Bloody Leo: Well why would I want to buy a ticket in that when I already have a wife and three daughters. |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 4:07 pm AEST |
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Party Games |
In his single days, there was this party and Bloody Leo arrived late and was a bit cautious as to what was going on. The girls were running around feeling the boy's private parts and they had to guess who it was.
Bloody Leo: Not too sure about this bloody game.
Paddy: Gawn, get into it. Your names already been called four times. |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 4:01 pm AEST |
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DUI |
Late one Saturday night Bloody Leo was driving home and the local copper thought he was driving a bit erratically so he pulled him over and asked if he had been drinking that evening.
Bloody Leo: Yep, it's Saturday so the boys and me had our Saturday afternoon session at the Southland.
Copper: How much did you consume there?
Bloody Leo: I recon I woulda had 7 or 8 pints. Then I gave Timmy and Hutch a ride home, went into Timmy's and we knocked off a 40 ounce bottle of Johnny Walker Black and a dozen big bottles of beer each after that. Then when I dropped Hutch off, he invited me in just in case Bev went crook and we knocked off one of those big bottles of Baileys that some bastard had given him from Australia. Oh yes we had a dozen of Good Bastards to rinse the kidneys and Liver out.
Copper: I’m going to have to ask you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.
Bloody Leo: What, don't you believe me?????!! |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 3:58 pm AEST |
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Maturity |
Bloody Leo: Gee I’m getting pissed off with Katie lately.
Paddy: whys that?
Bloody Leo: She is so immature.
Paddy: Hows that?
Bloody Leo: She busts into the bloody bathroom when I’m in the bath and sinks all me bloody boats. |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 3:56 pm AEST |
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Weddings |
Bloody Leo: "I love weddings."
Paddy: "Do ya, why is that?"
Bloody Leo: "Where else can you get a bloody good feed, drink all the grog you want and be entertained by a bloody good band, all for the price of a cheap toaster." |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 3:55 pm AEST |
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Confession |
Bloody Leo was short of a few bob having done his arse at the races and blowing the grocery money as well. So he ducked around to the priest's house and stole a chook.
As it was Saturday night, he shot straight into the confessional and said as he is wont to do.
"Bless me father for I have sinned. I have just stolen a chicken, can I give it to you for repentance."
"Certainly not. You should take it straight back to the person you stole it from."
"But Father, I offered it to him and he said he didn't want it."
"Oh well, you can keep it then. Ten Hail Marys." |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 3:53 pm AEST |
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Virgin Lake |
Bloody Leo: Have you ever heard of a virgin lake?
Paddy: No, what is that?
Bloody Leo: It's a lake that a woman has never swum in and all the fish taste like chicken. |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 3:50 pm AEST |
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Legal Advice |
Paddy: How come you're smiling.
Bloody Leo: I just got a bill for $500 from my solicitor for some advice he gave me.
Paddy: How come you're smiling about that?
Bloody Leo: Well I just wrote back to him and told him I'm not taking his advice. |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 3:48 pm AEST |
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Smart Dog |
Bloody Leo bought this new half smart dog. One day he was sitting on his back porch playing cards with the dog when Paddy came around.
Paddy: "Geez, a bloody dog that can play cards, that's bloody smart Bloody Leo."
Bloody Leo: "He's not that smart Paddy, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail." |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 3:47 pm AEST |
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The Prostitute |
Prostitute: Wanta have sex?
Bloody Leo : Only if you do it like my wife.
Prostitute: I will do it anyway anywhere anytime
Bloody Leo: She does it for free. |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 3:45 pm AEST |
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Bloody Leo at Uni |
Lecturer: What happens when you immerse a body in water?
Bloody Leo: The bloody phone rings. |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 3:44 pm AEST |
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Weekends at Home |
Katie: "If you ever stayed home with me on the weekend I'd drop dead."
Bloody Leo: "Listen Kate, there is no point in your trying to bribe me." |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 3:42 pm AEST |
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Size Matters |
Bloody Leo: I'm thinking of entering the big dick competition down at the pub.
Katie: No way, I don't want that thing seen in public.
Bloody Leo: Awe, c'mon Katie. It's a hundred bucks first prize.
Katie: I've told you Bloody Leo, no way, don't do it. You're an arsehole if you do.
Later that night Bloody Leo comes home from the pub with a grin on his usually grumpy countenance.
Katie: You bastard, you went into the competition.
Bloody Leo: Yep
Katie: You rotten bastard, you showed that thing in Public.
Bloody Leo: Only enough to win. |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 3:40 pm AEST |
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Stripper Cash |
Bloody Leo, Paddy and Hutch went to a strip club. The stripper came up and wobbled her boobs at Paddy and he tucked $20.00 in her panties. She then went up to Hutch and waved these magnificent mammaries in Hutch's moosh, so he tucked in a further $50 00 into her knickers.
She then went up to bloody Leo and did the wobble of all mother wobbles in front of him. Leo grabbed his wallet, took out his credit card, wiped her crack with it, took the $70.00 and went home. |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 3:38 pm AEST |
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The Japanese |
Paddy: Smart bastards those Japanese.
Bloody Leo: Do you know why?
Paddy: Nope.
Bloody Leo: No blondes, ya blonde headed bastard. |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 3:37 pm AEST |
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Telepathy |
"Daddy, what's telepathy?"
"It's when two people think the same thing at the same time."
"Like you and Mummy?"
"No that's not telepathy, that's a bloody miracle." |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 3:35 pm AEST |
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The Lift |
Leo and Katie were in a lift, and Katie was getting furious with Leo as he pressed up against this very good looking woman with a great grin on his face.
Just as the lift reached the ground floor, the woman spun around and whacked him across the moosh and said. "Don't you dare squeeze my breast." She walked off in an almighty huff.
As they walked across the car park Bloody Leo said. "Don’t know what got into that woman, I never touched her breast."
"Of course you didn't," grinned Katie. "I did." |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 3:22 pm AEST |
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How to tell a Woman |
Bloody Leo: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Paddy: I dunno, what?
Bloody Leo: Nothing, you’ve already told her twice. |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 3:19 pm AEST |
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The Robber |
Leo and Katie were lying in bed asleep when a noise woke up Katie.
"Leo you bastard" get up quick there is someone downstairs.
Leo reluctantly stumbled out of bed and sure enough there is a robber downstairs.
Leo bails him up in the kitchen and says. "Wait there, you have to meet my wife."
"Why is that?" Asked the puzzled burglar.
"She's been expecting you for 28 years." |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 3:07 pm AEST |
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The Waist |
Bloody Leo: Do you know how the waist got its name?
Paddy: No I don't.
Bloody Leo: Anything below the boobs and above the pussy is a waste. |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 2:58 pm AEST |
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Talking |
Bloody Leo: I talk to everyone when I have had a gutful
Paddy: What does that make you?
Bloody Leo: Boozer Friendly. |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 2:55 pm AEST |
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Golf |
Bloody Leo was playing golf and finished up in a sand trap for the third time that day and started swearing and cussing like you wouldn't believe. Something he practices every day and has just about gotten right.
Anyway this day the priest is also playing and had a shot just where Leo is giving the world the Gospel according to Saint Bloody Leo on what a prick of a course it was, as he belted wheelbarrows full of sand out of the trap in an effort to lift the ball.
As fate would have it, the priest lobbed a ball onto the edge of the bunker and copped Leo in full flight on the rewrite of the profanity section of encyclopaedia of etiquette on the golf course. The ear-shocked man of the cloth came up to the lip of the trap and passed on the following advice.
"I have noticed that the very good Golfers never revert to coarse language and taking the lords name in vain."
"Well of course they wouldn't! What the F*** have they got to swear about!" |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 2:52 pm AEST |
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The Push |
It was three am in the morning and Leo is sound asleep and there is a knock on the door. Leo thinks stuff this for a game of soldiers and ignores the knocking and goes back to sleep.
The knocking continues and Katie gives him an elbow and nearly looses it in his generous waistline. "Go and see who it is you useless bastard"
Now Leo knows he is on a no win situation here. "Once Katie wants to know who is at the door she won't let up? And there is no way she is getting up herself."
Leo stumbles downstairs to see who is there? It is none other than his brother in law Paul.
"Will you give us a push?" Paul asks.
"No, stuff ya." Says Leo, he slams the door and stumbles back up the stairs. As far as he's concerned he can tell Katie who it was and that's the end of the matter.
After a while Katie says, "You should give him a push. Remember the time he came and helped us with the jumper leads when we had the flat battery."
Leo knew he might as well go and help because once Katie was on the case she was never going to let up.
So he trudges downstairs and unlocks the door, but there is no sight of Paul. He looks up the street and down, absolutely no sign. So he decides to yell out.
"Ok ya useless bastard, I'll give ya a push. Where are you?"
Paul replies. "Over here on the swings." |
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Posted on 18/07/2006 at 2:08 pm AEST |
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